The worst years of my thyroid symptoms were when I was first diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease. I felt fantastic the day I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, probably the best I had ever felt physically, and that continued until the period of hypothyroidism I experienced in 2014, a problem that happened because Levoxyl was recalled and my terrible UCLA endocrinologist refused to retest my TSH after putting me on Synthroid because it’s “all the same.” That genius was also testing my TgAb on a lab assay intended for those with a thyroid and it had a lower limit of 20 (!!!!!), so I appeared to be cancer free. Au contraire, mon ami!
But I digress.
I never fully recovered from that period of hypothyroidism. I have experienced severe fatigue, water retention/bloating, darkened moods, and digestive issues.
I recently started a new job. The commute is three times longer than the old one, and it is going to be a lot more pressure-filled. Today was the first challenging day I have had, being new, and I do not think I am up for this anymore. I don’t think I can do it. I am always tired. I have to get up early no matter how I time my workout (am or pm) and the workouts are not-negotiable. I have no patience and cannot tolerate the tedium of office culture. I just want to do something, check it off a list, and move on.
My career pre-dates my thyroid cancer diagnosis by a few years and was always meant to be a stop-gap measure, until I went back to school, having failed out of my graduate program from the ravages of Hashimoto’s Disease. Yet, here we are. My energy levels, both physical and emotional are low. There is no way to recharge them, as this routine is endless. On paper I look like an accomplished professional woman; there is no hint from my resume that I was ever sick. I make more than enough money, but I don’t care. It’s meaningless to me because I can’t buy what I really need, which is time, time to figure it all out, because I have never had that luxury.
As for my limits, they are in sight. I could fake it through a day of feeling rough at the last job if I needed to. I also had twice as much PTO at my disposal, and often used it when I felt I was experiencing a “bad thyroid day.” That has been cut in half. I try to imagine tolerating even two years of living this way and I can’t imagine getting past next week.
My ambition, like my physical and emotional energy, seems to have reached its limit as well. Obtaining a graduate degree feels woefully impossible in this state, as it has felt for a long time now. I want to write “I don’t care about it anymore” but I still do, because it is something I want to do for me, not for a job, which has turned into a boulder that is in my way. The job is the obstacle, and so my only ambition now is to not have one at all.