As 2017 dawned, I started and abandoned multiple writings. I reflected on forgetting my lessons, knowing I have everything I need inside, and vowing to tune back into those lessons to get back to a place where I am honoring myself. In another I touched on the recent estrangement from my family and how they are not, and will never be “my people.” Most recently, I tried to write about the heavy weight of indifference I felt going in for my year nine follow up testing (results pending). None of them stuck.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
So, what I can tell you tonight is that my life right now is not working for me anymore. Everything feels forced and just slightly off-kilter: where I live, my work life (all of it- the people, the institution, the work itself), the gym.
There are lessons I have forgotten, strands of narrative that fell away.
Dr. Overinvolved, for all his faults, taught me that I am worthy of support, comfort and understanding. He showed me that my experiences, thoughts, and feelings are all valid. He urged me not to sell myself short. When I miss him, as I have again the last couple of weeks, it’s because I miss having this all communicated to me. It never was before. In fact, I was taught the opposite. Having cancer is hard enough. It’s much harder when your family of origin never taught you or modeled a shred of self-worth.
You have often read many thoughts from a person who isn’t sure her thoughts, feelings, or experiences are valid, or that she herself is worthy of…anything. They are. I am.
The indifference I have towards my follow-up is very real. I went in there and it was old hat, like I was back in the Hashimoto’s era. I keep checking MyChart for the results anyway, just to get that confirmation. So much of my prior anxiety was rooted in superstition; I felt great and had no concerns the day this saga began. I’ve been afraid to feel great, or confident, ever since.
So, what do I want? I want to explore. I want to be out in the world, not hidden, bored, unstimulated and rotting away in an office while my intestines freeze up from the stress of being surrounded by stupid. But…how do I do this in a way that I am (somewhat) comfortable with? As much as I want to just get up and leave the job and the apartment, I know that is not the answer. Stay tuned.